He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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