Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
