shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
