Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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