What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
