Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
