I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
