can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
