I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
