i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
