fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
