i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Randomize
