and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
