I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
