my phone needs a breathalizer
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
tonight lets celebrate not being married
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
i think i just lost a toe
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
