Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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