I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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