and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Randomize
