I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Another day, another engagement, another cat
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
