If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
