T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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