Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
