is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
