Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Randomize
