I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
