I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
