apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
