My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
