Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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