I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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