He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
