i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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