somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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