R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
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