I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
