I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
where are my eyebrows?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
