you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
