remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
