THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
