I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
