my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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