I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Terrible idea I love it
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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