If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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