so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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