WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
