the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
it was like eating out sand paper
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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