This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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