On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
