I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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