you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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