Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
