Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
