i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Randomize
