a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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