im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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