He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
