Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Randomize
