You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
